Emotional Stress Following Parent and Child Separation

Anyone who has experienced divorce or undergone marital separation (by way of a separation agreement) can tell you first hand that it is one of the most stressful events you will ever face. That is especially true for those who are also parents. The day to day challenges of parenting are significant enough without divorce and the challenges that come with attempting to recover from such a significant loss complicate the parenting process for everyone, including those who are normally less impacted by stress issues. Stressed parents find they are less tolerant, irritable and angry, depressed, and down right miserable at times.

The good news is that you can do something about it if you find yourself in that boat. Stress is normal part of the divorce process. In fact, stress is commonly under identified by divorcees as the primary reason for difficulties. Too often, divorcees focus their attention on anger and sadness issues, rather than identifying some pretty simple things they can do to deal with stress.

Divorce is stressful for parents and children alike. Although children's emotional reactions usually depend on their age at the time of the divorce, many children experience feelings of sadness, anger, and anxiety - and it's not uncommon for these feelings to be expressed in their behaviour. Often, the child's emotional reaction can be quite different to the parent's, and it's important to understand these differences.

Emotional and behavioural problems in children are more common when their parents are fighting or splitting up. This can make a child very insecure. `Babyish' behaviour (e.g. bedwetting, `clinginess', nightmares, worries or disobedience) may be caused by the separation. This behaviour often happens before or after visits to the parent who is living apart from the family. Teenagers may show their distress by misbehaving or withdrawing into themselves. They may find it difficult to concentrate at school.

Divorce brings with it a lot of changes and a very real sense of loss. Kids, and parents, grieve the loss of the kind of family they had hoped for, and children especially grieve the loss of the presence of a parent. That's why some kids - even after the finality of divorce has been explained to them - still hold out hope that their parents will someday get back together.

The following practical suggestions may help you to help your child:

Invite conversation

Children need to know that their feelings are important to their parents and that they'll be taken seriously.

Help them put their feelings into words

Let them voice their emotions and help them to label them, without trying to change their emotions or explain them away.

Legitimize their feelings

It's important to encourage children to get it all out before you start offering ways to make it better.

Offer support

Give them time to adjust; children often take longer than adults to realise the full implications of what’s happening.

Listen

Set aside regular time to really listen to your child. Try to ask your child a few, open questions to encourage them to talk - 'You look a bit fed up today, why don’t we have a chat about it?'

Talk

Share with your child some of what you’re feeling and keep them informed of any changes which are likely to affect them. Usually it’s best to do this in as little detail as possible, as the basic facts can give children enough sense of security without involving them in too much adult business or conflicting loyalties.

Reassure

Remind your child of those things which won’t change e.g. how much you care about them, good memories, that they are not to blame for the break-up, rather than promise them things which can’t in fact be guaranteed.

Stick to Rules and Routines

If bedtimes, mealtimes and activities are already established, keeping to them can provide a sense of stability and continuity.

Help Yourself

This can be the most important step that you take. Whether you get support from other relatives and friends or use mediation or counselling, it is vital that your own emotional needs are met if you are to be able to respond to your child.

This will give you a better chance of working out arrangements and coping with changes, without putting your child in the middle of any conflict.

Remember, your choices and behaviours in parenting can have an enormous impact on your children’s adjustment to the losses and stresses of your divorce or separation.